Y'all, let's talk about imposter syndrome. This might not be the kind of post you'd expect from me today, but it's the post I feel I have to talk about today.
On Monday, I made my debut on the iconic 54 Below stage. I cannot overstate how excited I was to have this opportunity and to be doing it with such an incredible project and talented group of creatives. While our sold-out show was met with many accolades from friends, family, loved ones, and strangers alike, I left the show feeling entirely dissatisfied with my own performance. I couldn't see past the mistakes I made -- a wrong word here, a dropped line there, a fumbling entrance here, a sour note there, etc etc -- and to make matters worse, I was so hung up on the previous mistake, that I wasn't paying attention enough to what was right in front of me so I'd make another mistake: and so the spiraling continued. By the time we took our final bows, I was kicking myself for "ruining" my one shot to sing in that space. I felt that I had let my directors down, my cast down, and ultimately myself down -- I knew I was better than what I showcased, and I was feeling all kinds of self-pity.
I don't tell you this to garner compliments or encouragement. I say this because I'd like to think I'm not the only performer out there who has felt this way at one point or another and to acknowledge one of the "hard parts" about putting yourself out there as a performer -- sometimes things don't go as perfectly as you'd hoped or envisioned.
I'll tell you: I was struggling with these imposter syndrome feelings in the weeks leading up to the concert and definitely in rehearsals. I simply could not come to grips with the idea of being lumped together with such talented performers. I was questioning my own ability daily and I had maaaaaaany moments of feeling like I definitely did not belong in that room -- that some clerical error or miscommunication had been made along the way but they were too nice to say anything.
But can I also tell you: I recognize now that all those thoughts and feelings were self-sabotaging.
I'm still coming to grips with my feelings and processing them accordingly, but I've learned a few things over these last few days that I need to hear (over and over again) and that I hope will help someone out there if ever they're faced with a similar situation.
1. Step Out of Your Own Shoes
How often do we go to a show, then come home talking about everything the cast did wrong? We don't -- as an audience, we generally forget about the little flubs mere minutes after they happen, instead focusing on the whole picture rather than the individual puzzle pieces that we as actors too frequently get stuck on. How frequently do we leave a rehearsal and harp on all the mistakes our castmates made? The answer is obviously never -- first of all, you wholly support and love on your castmates, so of course you wouldn't zero in on the insignificant details that only you would notice. And second of all, we all are much too concerned about our own selves to worry about, let alone recall, the little things that everyone else is doing that might not be according to plan. So Heidi-Liz, make peace with the idea that the people that heard or witnessed your mistakes were past them almost immediately -- why do you need to waste so much emotional energy on analyzing them from every angle and making yourself miserable?
2. Believe What Others Tell You
99.9% of the time, people don't have a hidden agenda when offering a compliment. So if someone has something nice to say about you, odds are good that they actually think that! And if more than one person has nice things to say, odds are REALLY good that there might be some truth to it! So for goodness sake, Heidi-Liz, why can't you believe in your own ability when so many others do?
3. Focusing on the Negative What-If's is a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
If you spend every waking moment in rehearsal considering the things that could go wrong -- the notes you could miss, the words you may get wrong, the lyric you might trip over -- is it any surprise when they do go wrong? You're filling your head with negativity, so much of it that you're not leaving room for anything else. Fear and doubt are easy to let in and hard to get out, so, Heidi-Liz, letting them fester until you can't even think about the project without it being colored by uncertainty is entirely unhelpful and will lead to self-sabotage.
4. Stop Trying to Prove Yourself Once You Have the Job
You got in the room, Heidi-Liz, you booked the job. The rest could and should have been a celebration. The creative team saw everything they needed to see in you in auditions -- they're not coming into the rehearsal process waiting to be amazed. Take pride in booking, but then don't hold yourself to impossible standards: you were chosen for a reason, even if you struggle to see it. So if you are struggling with self-worth or imposter syndrome, let their belief carry you until you can hold yourself up. Also, you're a human first and foremost, so you're allowed mistakes! You can't promise anyone perfection, so why do you expect it from yourself?
Ultimately, I think I've learned this week that I really need to get out of my own way. I'm the one holding me back from the joy of my accomplishments -- and they are accomplishments! Every job, every new project, every booking is a part of the path to the dream, and if I'm too busy looking down at myself and criticizing what I see, I'm going to miss the view: what's right in front of me and what's ahead. So look up and out, head held high and chin up. You're better off for it, and I guarantee the journey will be more enjoyable.
Thanks for reading, #DreamTeamHLJ, and keep moving forward.