Before getting married, I was entirely convinced, 100% positive that I would not marry a fellow actor. I was actually sure for quite a while that I maybe was destined to be a single Pringle all my life, so when Mychal, an actor, entered my life, everyone was surprised. I suppose it makes sense, given there really aren't many places people meet these days outside of work, but I digress. There are a myriad of reasons why I didn't think I would marry an actor, but that's not what I want to talk about today -- today, we're talking about what being married to an actor means (or could mean, as every relationship is different).
I don't need to tell you that acting is not like other professions out there -- sometimes it's your job to kiss a colleague in front of countless people, sing and dance at a job interview, or cycle through an entire wardrobe of clothing in a single shift, so to speak. There are a lot of elements to discuss and be open about, and honestly, sometimes you won't know how you or your partner feel about certain things until they come up as questions in an audition or as part of a potential contract.
Before Mychal and I were ever in a relationship, when I considered what kind of jobs I'd be willing to take, I had put touring or regional work entirely out of the question: I don't absolutely love travel as some do, so I just decided that wasn't an option for me. Lo and behold, not even a year into auditioning, Mychal and I both have dipped our toes in the "traveling for work" pool, Mychal having been off on a national tour since February and myself with a regional project on the horizon that will take me away from home for about two months. Mychal and I even talked about the fact that we didn't see ourselves as the traveling actor types when we first started dating, but here we are now, our lives going in directions we couldn't have imagined only a few years ago.
I bring all this up because, like the what-are-you-willing-to-do-in-this-industry topic, this is another conversation that must be had before you get into these situations. AND, as proven by Mychal and me, your answers may change overtime / given the right opportunity / etc.. Whether you are an actor and your partner is not, vice versa, or both of you are in the industry, here are just a few points to think about.
Onstage Intimacy?
I would hope that this topic is covered early on in a relationship, but if not, discuss everyone's comfort level with onstage intimacy. That ranges from a stage kiss all the way down to simulated sex; of course, you need to decide for yourself where your limits are, and with a life partner, you also need to be receptive to what they're comfortable with. Communication and transparency are key, and BE SPECIFIC. Is a romantic stage kiss okay? What about stage "making out"? What if any articles of clothing come off? Where is the line for both parties, and if the line is different for each of you, how do you determine what's best for you? I will simply say that I have encountered fellow actors whose significant others were not comfortable with any form of onstage intimacy, including stage kissing, and while I totally respect their decision, just know how it can limit opportunity. Talk it out with your partner and check in every so often, especially if a prospective job expects a higher level of intimacy than you've encountered previously.
Traveling?
The topic that Mychal and I are currently faced with. Will you consider traveling away from home for a job? How far (drivable distance and/or distance that would require you take housing there)? Is touring okay? What kind -- regional or national? International? How long of a contract is acceptable / how long are you willing to be apart? This will require a lot of discussion and it may depend on the contract -- the project might be too tempting to pass up, or the chance to travel, either nationally or internationally, with expenses paid might be really attractive to you. Let me tell you, it's not easy. Mychal is on a shorter tour contract than most -- most tours start at a 6-month sign on -- and it's been a serious challenge, being apart. Listen to each other, support each other, and know that there is no wrong answer -- only what's right and wrong for the two of you as a couple. So if that means no traveling at all, that's great. Or if that means you're spending months at a time apart, auditioning for one traveling contract after another, that's great, too.
Finances?
I don't think anyone really likes discussing finances, but let's be real: in general, acting is not the most lucrative unless you're one of the lucky few to really make it. So how are you going to support your lifestyle? Can you afford to pursue acting full-time? Do you need another job in addition to keep you afloat? Multiple? Can you partner's income help support while you pursue acting, or vice versa? And if you're both actors, how can you fairly justify who takes what contract so that you are both making strides in your careers while also being able to sustain yourselves financially? It's a BIG conversation, and it can lead to resentment or misunderstanding if not treated with the gravity it deserves. Respect your significant other enough to have this conversation, and have it again and again with every new project.
Concurrent Projects?
This one is specifically for those of you actors in relationships with other actors. How do you decide who takes what job if they're happening at the same time, especially if they include travel? Do you have responsibilities at home that would require your partner to take on more? What if you're both away from home for an extended period of time? Do you have pets that affects? Rent or a mortgage? Bills? And if you're juggling jobs outside of acting, how do you make that work? Can you go remote for a season of time? Do your responsibilities require that only one of you can travel at a time? And if you answered yes to that last point, that opens up a whole other can of questions that only you and your significant other can answer. Again, I will reiterate, there's no wrong answer here -- do what's best for you as a couple, and you can't lose.
The above is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to making a life as a couple when one or both of you is in the theatre industry. The business is definitely unique, and it certainly has its fair share of difficulties. But it also can spark a great deal of joy for both you and your partner! So those of you out there married and in the business or your spouse is in the business, I wish you all the best in the world -- hopefully I see you around in auditions.
Thanks for reading, #DreamTeamHLJ, and talk to your partner! Never stop having these conversations!